No change

4 years later.
I'm still the same.
No change.
Same old trap. Same old depression.
Just older.
But none the wiser.

Too many

Too many lessons...cannot put them into words.
Too many thoughts...cannot put them onto paper.
Too many mistakes...cannot begin to forgive and forget myself.

It's hard. 

But, God is good. God is merciful and full of compassion.

Lesson 3

 

Overall, today turned out to be a rather nice day. For the first time in my life, I'm actually starting to realise what it means to be still.

Fasting and praying was quiet and effective, I managed to practise strumming a few more chords and it was good to worship God. I even had a prayer session with the parents, it's not often that we get to pray together and so it was great. 

In the evening, I met up with a friend who will be going back to Kurdistan to visit his family. He hasn't been back for 10 years. When he left, he was still a child. Honestly, I can't imagine what it would be like. The last time that his father saw him, he was barely a teenager and a bit of a mischievious boy, still young. But now, he's grown up. I asked him what he thinks it will be like when he sees his father. He answered without hesitation that they would both be crying, he's his father's oldest son whom he hasn't seen for so long it doesn't matter what happened in the past. It immediately led me to think about the parable of the lost son. Our heavenly father is always waiting for us, and welcomes us with so much love, mercy and grace. This friend also talks about religion A LOT. Everytime. Again, I have something inside me that craves for more knowledge and wisdom, and training..possibly theological training?...another reminder...
 

Lesson 2

Today was another quiet day. I'm starting to like these days. There's something peaceful about life when you're not running around that much.

It's been a little misty these days. The photo doesn't really do it much justice, but it was beautiful, a proper picture of winter....but it wasn't cold. That was the only thing mssing...the cold!! Can't believe that I would hear myself saying that! I think that sometimes the path in life may be straightforward, but if there is mist, then we can't see very much. It seems scary and mysterious, but as you walk more, the road becomes clear. Do I have the faith to keep on walking?

I went to uni to help give out some leaflets for the special student event on Friday. Another flyering session. Admittedly, I hate this activity. I cannot enjoy the act of trying to shove bits of paper into other people's faces. But today was different. We did our best and we worked together. And I really was thankful to God for giving me this opportunity to serve with this group of students, and to be a leader to them, even though I am so ill-equipped. I never really thought about it in that way before, so it was good. I'm also thankful to God for leading our student fellowship. It's been quite small so far this year, but I see that the core groups members are good and we're starting to learn and grow together, which is really encouraging.

Temptations are so difficult, but I believe that it will get easier step-by-step and little-by-little, by the grace of God and by his wisdom.

Lesson 1

Yesterday was a difficult day.
I'm not entirely sure why, but it was. Nevertheless, I got through it. 
I managed to stay at home, and for that I was proud of myself for it.

I'm starting to discover the joy of singing and worship, just by simply strumming a few chords on the guitar and humming along. There is definately power in praise. Whenever the psalmist came across any sadness or troubles, he still praised God. So, I'm learning to be still a little more, which definately a big step

I listened to another of John Piper's sermons. About knowing the will of God. It was really good....Look it up on his website, it was on 22/08/04. He talked about how there are aspects of looking at the will of God; the will of decree, and the will of command. The will of decree is that God is sovereign, and he governs and controls all things. However, there are things on earth that take place that he hates (sin). How can that be? It sounds contradictory. So, there is the will of command. This is the will that we disobey. We do not follow God in the way that he commands us to do so. Paul reminds us in Romans that we should be renewed and transformed, this is so that we can discern the will of God's command and do it. Our actions are so spontaneous that we do not think before we do things, that's why we have to constantly practise. 

So, it is the will of command that we need to seek- not what God wants us to do in the future, but to seek how to be constantly renewed in the our mind and spirit so that we are able to discern between right and wrong. The only way to do this is through reading God's word... the scripture equips us with ALL things. The Bible is God's revealed will of command...it is final and decisive and we DO NOT need to seek his will from anywhere else. 

So, that sermon really made me think. Especially since I've been focussing so much on what I think God wants me to do with my life.....

Anyways, the picture at the top is of 'Chinese New Year' cake. We only ever usually eat it during Chinese new year. However, someone made it last week and brought it to the Bible study group. I thought that it was a little strange that someone would make it now. But,...I guess that everyday can be a fresh, new start....doesn't just have to be once a year.  
 

Wow

wow....
I've been looking through my old blog: 'Glow in the Dark'. I barely recognise the person who wrote the stuff. On the one hand it's so creative, a fraction of what I could do now, yet I was so depressed. That's crazy.

Thank you so much God for the joy and peace that you've given me. I'm finally starting to understand it. I really hope that I am.

mystery

life is a mystery.
you never quite know what will happen.
never thought that i'd turn out like this.

how do you get over this disappointment?
how do you change?

wish that things would just go away and i could magically transform,
transform into a beautiful person
not necessarily outside beauty,
but from the inside out.

From the Inside Out
A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out,
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out.

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out,
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out.

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out,
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out.

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out.

Everlasting Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

meaning

what is this life really about?
i am such a confused person.
why do i do what i do?
why do i ruin all my relationships.

Lord, thank you for life.
thank you

thank you for the cross (worthy is the lamb)

Thank You for the cross Lord
Thank You for the price You paid
Bearing all my sin and shame
In love You came
And gave amazing grace

Thank You for this love Lord
Thank You for the nail pierced hands
Washed me in Your cleansing flow
Now all I know
Your forgiveness and embrace

Worthy is the Lamb
Seated on the throne
Crown You now with many crown
You reign victorious
High and lifted up
Jesus Son of God
The Darling of Heaven crucified
Worthy is the Lamb
Worthy is the Lamb
Worthy is the Lamb
Worthy is the Lamb

emotions

''be strong and courageous. do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go''
Joshua 1 v 9

my life is so funny.
you really have to laugh to get through the ups and downs.
had to go back to work after two whole weeks off....arghh....painful!

i received another christmas card today.
when i opened it, it really made my day



in all of my years, i have never received a card quite like this one!
it literally made my day.

i couldn't really sleep last night.
not sure why.
i even went to bed around 11pm and tossed and turned until past 3am.

i went to the hospital to see fahad after work.
ended up talking to his mum.
even though i've known her for quite a long time, this time was the longest conversation i've ever had with her.
she is an amazing woman.
i really pray that fahad will pull through ok.
i know he will.

your LOVE never fails
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good

light

''in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth''

Genesis 1 v 1

arn't you glad that God created light.
without light, you really won't see anything.
I just remember one time when it was dark.
and i mean DARK, as in there was ZERO light.
it was in 2005, i think
I was working with HUSSO on a summer playscheme.
we had to take the kids on a residential away thing for 3 days.
it included canoeing, absailing, caving.
the caving was awful
we spent ages climbing through caves in the dark and wet.
at one point, the instructor told us all to switch off the light.
it was dark.
no amount of time would allow your eyes to get accustomed to the darkness to feel your way around.
it's pretty scary when you think about it.

thank you God for creating the LIGHT.
thank you for being the LIGHT of this dark world.
you are the hope, the life.

誰是主角

在這燈飾璀燦都市中
萬闕歌聲喧染都市中
耀眼燈飾彷似千串夢
沒有一首可以稱與頌
凝視每串夢裏的景緻 晚空裏飄送
旋律佈滿玩笑的音韻 晚空裏飄送
誰是這節日裏的主角
誰是這節日裏的主角
你懂不懂?
誰又會懂﹖
他身穿紅衣 還是身穿粗衣麻布
他靜靜降生人世 還是以雪車到步
他輕聲溜走 還是應許一生懷抱
他賜予百千玩意 還是賜與眾恩典到老

thankfulness

''for the JOY of the LORD is your strength''
nehemiah 8 v 10

started this year with going to New Life.
I know I haven't exactly been the best of Christians, but need to desparately seek out God again.
need to be in that place with God.
i'm not exactly used to being 'quiet' and resting in God,
but i need to.
i really do.

We had a thanksgiving service this afternoon at the Chinese church.
it was a kinda like an open-mic session.
we took it in turns to go up and share.
it's good to hear people
hear their stories.
It's great that we have a big family in Christ.
It really is.
For that, I am thankful.

thank you God for being faithful,
even when i have run, and am still running.
when i look back at 2011...it has been terrible.
but i remember pockets of joy: God's love and grace.
when i look around, i see all of the blessings and people that God has given me.
more than i comprehend.
more than i would ever deserve.

so, let's give thanks.
and keep on giving thanks all the days of my life.

Give Thanks

Give thanks with a grateful heart,
Give thanks to the Holy One,
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ His Son.

And now let the weak say "I am strong."
Let the poor say "I am rich."
Because of what the Lord has done for us
Give thanks.

hello 2012

''Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!''
2 Corinthians 5 v 17

it's another year.
may it be a good one:
a year walking with God
a year walking for God.

life

it's the eve of the new year.
another death.

life is so fragile.
one moment we're here.
the next moment we've gone.